CLAYTON–A group of Clayton High sophomores have learned from a recent study of Jane Smiley’s controversial novel A Thousand Acres in their Honors English class, that men have caused the entirety of the world’s pain, suffering, and grief.

The 1991 novel, which is an adaptation of Shakespeare’s King Lear to a 1970s Iowa farm, has been criticized for its ultrafeminist themes. Nevertheless, clearly inebriated literary scholars awarded it the 1992 Pulitzer Prize for fiction and the 1991 National Book Critics Circle Award.

Acres follows the story of three daughters after their father, himself a senile drunk, splits his Iowa farm between the trio. One daughter, however, is unsatisfied with the land-sharing agreement and pursues a career in Des Moines as a successful lawyer. The other two, Rose and Ginny, struggle with their father and the various obstacles to their “liberation” placed by their father and husbands. Eventually, the father sues the daughters over the farm, and the family collapses. At every turn, the two remaining sisters are confronted with man’s cowardice and weakness, contrasting their liberated sense of entitlement.

Suzy Harriston, one student studying the book, said, “I think the book is really eye-opening … it really highlights how terrible creatures men really are. Just look at when Rose gets cancer from the men’s pollution of the farm’s groundwater – that’s a perfect example of the effect men have on the world.”

Another student noted that the book did a “great job of highlighting that literally all men are terrible human beings, every single one of them. Just take a look at the worst people in history – Hitler, Stalin, Mao, George Bush – they’re all men!” Indeed, several students noted that the common factor in every single malaise that women have ever suffered was men. “Look at the recent Boston Bombings, and 9/11 – both perpetrated by the Jews, but more importantly by men!” added Harriston.

When asked about the controversial content of the book, the teacher offering the course declined to comment, only referencing the book’s aforementioned awards. Even male students seemed to agree with the book’s message, however.

“I personally agree wholeheartedly with the book’s message, and I think hating myself is the only way to remedy the problem,” said David Williams, a student studying Acres. He also noted the common theme in all of the world’s woes, but specified that men’s impact is most obvious in the U.S. Presidency: “There has never been a female President, and look at where this country is! We have a trillion-dollar yearly deficit, we’re stuck in one war and are readying for at least two more, and we still haven’t publicly acknowledged the Jews’ role in 9/11. That’s where men have gotten us.”

Williams and Harriston added that maybe they should print up some posters with overly broad and idealistic buzzwords like HOPE, CHANGE, or maybe even YES WE CAN.

At press time, the class was staging an Occupy Men protest outside several men’s bathrooms throughout Clayton High School.

The Strobe is pretty sure that this is satire. Why only pretty sure? Because we wouldn’t be surprised at all if this were to actually happen. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs.

CLAYTON–A recent survey of CHS students showed unprecedented respect for and support of the District’s policy of “academic integrity.” The policy, which must be signed by all CHS students in order to, among other things, use District computers, prohibits cheating. While its lonely critics claim that the policy does not distinguish between copying of minor homework assignments and outright cheating on exams, these critics are a clear minority.

CHS Strobe research showed nearly 85 percent of students thought that the District’s policy was either “extremely” or “very” important to maintaining “an atmosphere of academic excellence and credibility.”

One sophomore, when interviewed on the floor of the library, as eliminate the possibility of accidentally viewing the homework of her friends at a nearby table, said: “I have the utmost respect for the District’s academic integrity policy, because it’s the only way to ensure an even playing field for all students.”

The policy is so crucial, she added, because “it punishes all cheaters equally – it’s equal opportunity punishment! No matter what you did, be it accidentally gaze upon a classmate’s five point homework assignment or conspire to cheat on a final exam, you will be punished equally!”

Indeed, any devious student who dares to challenge the policy faces the threat of a so-called “black-mark” on their transcript. This mark proclaims to any enterprising college admissions officer that said student was found to have cheated during high school. It makes no distinction between acts of differing magnitudes; in fact, the District’s policy blacklists the student no matter the “crime.”

No detractors of the policy could be found in the halls of CHS, only hordes of supporters. Some of these have received the “black-mark” themselves, but agree that the “only way to eliminate cheating is to continue the District’s no-tolerance policy.”

One CHS teacher, however, speaking from behind the shield of anonymity, remarked that  ”there is some administrator – either at CHS or in the [Administration] building – who gets some sick power trip out of derailing children’s college careers.” The teacher added that while he personally disagrees with the “Draconian” policy, he would never consider voicing his opinion, because of the backlash that would soon follow.

Other research by the CHS Strobe shows that the amount of cheating on both homework and examinations has skyrocketed in recent years, despite the best efforts of the “Academic Integrity” policy.

This is a purely satirical story. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs. The CHS Strobe was founded precisely because of the absurdity of policies like the Academic Integrity policy; it will do everything in its power – for as long as it takes – to reconcile this disgraceful issue.

CLAYTON–The editors of the CHS Globe and CHS Strobe shocked the Clayton Journalism community by announcing that come this fall, they will merge their respective publications into one, larger “super-publication.” CHS Strobe Editor-in-Chief Yossi Katz said: “With our combined talents and resources, we will be able to produce a much more comprehensive and substantial publication to the Clayton community.”

The move was announced on the steps of Clayton High School, at a widely attended press conference. The new publication will remain a monthly newsmagazine, and will devote roughly one quarter of its publication to satire. It will retain the more prominent CHS Globe name and will utilize the staffs of both publications in both genres.

Analysts say the move will heal tensions between the two sides and will “promote unity,” quoting the Editors-in-Chief of both the Globe and the Strobe. A rift formed earlier this year after the Strobe was formed just before the Globe’s annual satirical issue, The Gloob. However, all sides spoke of “starting a new chapter” in the world of CHS journalism.

One CHS student applauded the move, saying that “All of this drama was just ridiculous anyway.”

Just kidding. April Fools. 

(It’s not April 1st, you say? It is still April, though, right? April 11th is essentially April 1st, right?)

This is a purely satirical story. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs. To our knowledge, there are no actual plans to merge the two CHS publications, although the Strobe believes that would be one hell of a twist.

Written by James Kerr

March the 22nd, Friday.

Today I, James Kerr, have successfully infiltrated the infamous disciplinary institution known as “the ISS Room.” My tactics were simple – I skipped classes. A bunch of them.

The following story is one that The Strobe was brave enough to print; no one else would touch it (probably because it’s a scandal rivaling Watergate). I assure you that this account of my actions is 100% completely valid and was in no way modified.

Warning to the reader: This account may challenge your personal ideas about certain topics and may cause you to get defensive and upset.

You have been warned. Read at your own discretion.

9:05 AM: My stomach drops as I hear the bell for the beginning of second period. Scenes from The Shawshank Redemption flash through my head. I briefly consider faking a seizure right here in the middle of the commons. I pass on the seizure.

9:07 AM: I still have not moved. I am a deer in the headlights.

9:09 AM: Alas! I have been discovered; Scotino found me rooted to the floor like a stone pillar. My chameleon-esque survival reflexes were no match for his years of training. I grudgingly follow him into the room, dreading the torture which is sure to follow. Far off, I hear the drone of a funeral dirge. It plays for me.

9:10 AM: I take my seat near the wall; the engineers of this torture chamber begin to speak among themselves of sports.  After a while, I begin to feel that they are not paying attention to me. My captors begin to violently laugh. They are consumed by an internet video involving a professional sports player picking his nose.

9:12 AM: They are now watching videos of football players crashing into each other. They seem extremely engrossed in this activity. I will not be converted to their ideology; no Stockholm Syndrome will set in upon me this captive!

9:14 AM: My first attempt at rebellious behavior. I remove my laptop and place my headphones over my ears. No reaction. I begin listing to music.

9:16 AM: My jailers follow suit and likewise place headphones over their ears. They stare at the flickering screens of their computer monitors, I assume, so that they might watch their private selection of sports.

9:20 AM: I HAVE JUST RECEIVED SHOCKING NEWS. I have now been informed that The only thing asked of me today is to complete my basic class work. MY MIND IS REELING, how can this be?? I have now accumulated well over six skipped detentions and my punishment is merely to take a vacation from the average school day? Instead, I am allowed to spend my time in a manner of my own choosing!

EUREKA. I HAVE FOUND IT. THE BEST THING SINCE FLAPJACKS.

No one. Anywhere saw this coming. Though for years and years “ISS” has been a symbol of Order and Discipline and all things Orwellian in high schools across America. I can now officially say (at least for Clayton High School) that ISS is NOT something to be feared and it most certainly is NOT a motivating factor to not skip class.

In fact, it was an exceedingly peaceful rest of the day. I played Monopoly and bummed around on Facebook. It was a Good Friday.

This is a purely satirical story. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs. The CHS Strobe intends to toe the line on just about everything, and in doing that make people laugh; this includes the absurdity of the concept of In-School Suspension. The Strobe’s Editorial Board welcomes the chance to use the school day to finish homework.

CLAYTON–As third quarter drew to a close, across Clayton High School, students were spotted reminding their teachers to refrain from alcohol and drugs over spring break. “It seems that every year we hear about a bunch of teachers taking a road trip to a beach somewhere,” said one senior. “And once they’re all together, they morph from friendly role models to drug-abusing degenerates.”

To make sure that their teachers remain upstanding members of society, some students have planned to check in with their instructors’ parents several times during the break: “It’s the only way to keep them on track,” said the student. “They’re pretty unreliable.”

According to sources close to the CHS faculty, this year, a large group of teachers has decided to pile into their SUVs and minivans and drive south to the Gulf of Mexico, nearly ten hours away. Students worry that some of the people they look up to and rely upon the most will turn to such illicit forms of entertainment as marijuana, cheap beer, and extramarital relations; in addition, many students are concerned that said actions will reflect poorly on the school’s reputation:

“I don’t care as much about what they do on their own time, but when they travel as a group of CHS staff, they are representing our school, and as a result us, the students. We are directly responsible for their poor conduct and irresponsibility,” said Suzy Harriston, a sophomore. “Frankly, I am ashamed of the complete lack of judgment shown by our staff and administration.” Harriston added that she was so incensed by the faculty’s spring break that she was “going to go straight to Facebook and write all about it.”

As spring break approached, and as the final few seconds of third quarter ticked off of CHS’s ubiquitous round clocks, students reported that teachers were increasingly losing interest in school. Students, however, were divided between muttering about the teachers’ immaturity; and between planning their own week of studying.

At press time, the faculty was jubilant, celebrating the “lesson-planning” of the week to come; the student body was depressed over the mountain of homework assigned by their sadistic teachers; and Ms. Harriston was nowhere to be found.

This is a purely satirical story. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs. The CHS Strobe intends to toe the line on just about everything, and in doing that make people laugh; this includes the faculty’s immaturity. The Strobe is half-convinced that teachers actually don’t ”keep it kosher” during Spring Break; it also feels that this explains a lot about the faculty.

CLAYTON–According to a source in the Administration Building, the position of Assistant Principal/Vice Pontiff of Clayton High School was filled through a conclave-like assembly of the School Board of Clayton.

Ryan Luhning, previously the Cardinal of Administrative Interns, was mutually agreed upon by the Board as the “best choice moving forward,” according a source. The source  demanded anonymity due to the secretive nature of the proceedings.

“Ryan was chosen because we needed a fresh face in the administrative office. After miraculously surviving multiple years in the Activities Office while somehow retaining some semblance of a personality, he was the clear choice,” said the source.

Luhning is the first Vice Pontiff to be chosen from the Athletic Order of Administrators; he served as the CHS basketball coach for several prior seasons. He replaces Daniel II, who was promoted to the prominent leadership of CHS in January. Daniel II’s predecessor, Louise I, resigned last year; she was the first Pontiff to resign in recent memory.

Luhning, who has yet to announce what name he will take, will be confronted with the challenges of an exiting senior class and unruly freshmen, who most CHS students and staff agree need to be put in their place.

At press time, CHS students were wondering just what produced the smoke that signalled the Board’s decision.

This is a purely satirical story. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs. The CHS Strobe intends to toe the line on just about everything, and in doing that make people laugh; this includes the School Board and the Catholic Church. The Strobe’s editorial board hopes to avoid crucifixion.

Recently, the Strobe has published content that some find offensive; they argue that our satire has crossed a line. In response, the Strobe will adopt a new, more clear-cut set of boundaries. We will no longer attribute quotes to real people. We will no longer name real people without their consent, despite the prominent disclaimers that appear at the bottom of each article and on their own page.

We will take every effort to compromise between creative, witty, and realistic satire and people’s sensitivities. The Strobe intends to hurt no one’s feelings, no matter how delicate their disposition. We intend to make people laugh, by shining light on the ignored side of CHS – the funny side.

As editor-in-chief, I want to make clear that The Strobe has done absolutely nothing wrong. We simply want to make sure that no undesirable situation arises.

To those of you who clearly cannot take a joke – lighten up. We meant, and mean, no harm. In the words of Tiger Woods: “If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?”

To those of you who fumed behind closed doors, rather than send a polite email, my door is always open.

And to those of you who love The Strobe – don’t worry. We aren’t going anywhere.

Yossi Katz

Founder and Editor-in-Chief, CHS Strobe

The infamous gang of five. Photograph: Brian Rasic/Rex Features

One would think that with Two BRIT awards, three MTV music video music awards and Billboard’s “Top New Artist of 2012” title under their belts, One Direction (the now world famous boy-band from the X-Factor) should have no trouble attracting a diverse and vibrant fan base. I mean, after all, they write music that speaks to the soul.

CLEARLY this is the stuff of legends, this album is on par with Sgt. Pepper’s for God’s Sakes. I mean…it’s good music and everybody likes really good music.

It IS good music, right?

But, apparently, this isn’t the case.  In fact, seeing a straight guy at a “One Direction” club meeting is about as common a seeing Mr. Sucher crack a smile.  In other words, it happens very rarely. And if you do see it, it’s probably because something very bad has happened.

Yet, still the club persists! The president of the CHS One Direction Club had this to say about where the club is headed: “I really just think that it’s all about giving the band time to mature and settle in. They have come so far, so fast, I think the world just needs a chance to catch up.”

Now if what she means by “mature and settle in” is “grow some hair on your chest, reach legal drinking age, and live a little” – yeah, I could see how that might help out the boys to  position themselves as a world famous musical presence, but I’m not so sure it’s the world that needs to catch up with these boys…  Pretty sure it’s just puberty.

This is a purely satirical story. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs. The CHS Strobe intends to toe the line on just about everything, and in doing that make people laugh; this includes fan clubs of boy bands that lack any semblance of talent.

CLAYTON–Upon the startling revelation that many European prepackaged beef dinners actually contained horse meat, CHS students have started to question what goes into what they eat. But while Europeans expressed alarm at eating the meat of a slightly cuter animal than usual, many students do not understand the complaints.

“I wish we got to eat horse meat here at CHS,” said one sophomore, “the food they serve in the cafeteria is so artificial that horse meat would be a major improvement.”

Other CHS students agreed. When the Strobe began to investigate the origins of CHS’s food, Chartwells, the District’s school meal contractor, declined to comment. But after some good spadework and a few greased palms, the Strobe found Chartwells’ source of “milk”:

“All natural.”

As well, the Strobe found the source of hamburger beef – pink slime and chicken:

This is meat, not soft serve ice cream.

Somehow I have a feeling that “Sweet Sue’s Kitchens” aren’t the most sanitary places in the world.

When confronted with these shocking revelations, Chartwells and the District still declined comment. Students were not surprised, however: “Once again, I’m just astounded that no one has died yet from the garbage they serve us,” said the same sophomore.

Another student echoed these comments: “The main reason that I eat out every day is not because I really like fast food. I just like to know that what I eat won’t cause me to sprout extra limbs, or render me infertile. That’s the main thing.”

A source within the cafeteria told the Strobe, under a guarantee of anonymity that the smoothies sold in the cafeteria are actually largely leftovers from the previous day’s chemistry labs: “Yeah, we take what ever they can give us. One day we got some almost pure sulphuric acid. That was something!” he continued. “But usually we just throw some potassium iodide or lithium hydroxide.”

In a startling discovery, the Strobe has uncovered that the CHS Science Department regularly supplies the cafeteria with the remnants of its after-school raves. According to our cafeteria source, these raves “Often last well into the evening, but result in large amounts of chemicals for the next day’s smoothies, so everyone’s happy.”

How CHS, and its cafeteria, still manage to pass inspection is beyond the editors of the Strobe. Perhaps some money is changing hands…maybe THAT’s where the budget deficit is coming from!

This is a purely satirical story. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs. The CHS Strobe intends to toe the line on just about everything, and in doing that make people laugh; this includes our school and those entrusted with running it. The Strobe will not eat in the cafeteria again, but not because of what’s in the food – have you seen those prices??

Officer John Zlatic: Serving and Protecting the Center of Clayton’s weight room since 2009.

CLAYTON–CHS School Resource Officer John Zlatic has announced that effective February 27, he will conduct his policework solely from the Canter of Clayton’s weight room.

“I feel that by concentrating my efforts into one hub of safety, I will be beter suited to protect the CHS community, which of course is my goal. My secondary goal, however, – and it’s not second by much – is of course to work on these babies. I mean these weights aren’t going to lift themselves!”

But when informed of the change, few were able to discern any difference. According to one senior who spends most afternoons and free periods “gettin’ yolked” in the Center, “Officer Zlatic is always in there. I have literally never seen him anywhere other than the weight room and the commons, where he’s always just talking to other teachers. Probably about lifting weights.

“But I have to say,” the senior continued, “he does one hell of a job policing while lifting – I mean I haven’t seen a single fight in the weight room ever since he established himself here.” According to multiple students, these fights have simply moved out of the “blast radius” into a place Zlatic apparently never enters – the Black Box Theatre.

“The fights all happen [in the Black Box] after school,” according to one CHS drama student, “It really made the rehearsals for the musical much more interesting, to be honest.”

When the Strobe asked why Officer Zlatic never entered the Black Box, we were told that: “It’s because there’s nothing to lift. There is just literally nothing there that can be removed even slightly from the ground in that room … Officer Zlatic gave up on the Black Box months ago.”

One CHS freshman supported the move, noting that: “Officer Zlatic is very good at intimidating freshmen like me, and while this isn’t great for my heart’s health, I think it is good for the school as a whole.” Immediately after concluding her interview with the Strobe, the freshman hurried into the Black Box and was immediately hit in the face by a flying script of Fairly Modern Millie.

At press time, as the change in Zlatic’s policy came into effect, the vast majority of CHS students noticed no overall change in CHS’s function, as in the words of one junior: “He’s always in the Center anyways, why does it matter where he ‘bases his operations?’”

This is a purely satirical story. Any quote or views attributed to anyone mentioned in this or any of our stories should under no condition be considered to reflect their actual beliefs. The CHS Strobe intends to toe the line on just about everything, and in doing that make people laugh; this includes our frighteningly strong SRO. The Strobe values Officer Zlatic’s presence at CHS and is only partly kidding, as usual.